Ambition

Sometimes I wish that you could just KNOW what was going to happen.  Is all this hard work going to pay off?  Part of me feels like the reason that I'm pursuing an acting career is because I love all the attention.  Is that a bad thing?  But I don't know what else I could do.  I have had so many jobs and it just seems like I don't stay very long at them.  The longest job I've had was for four years, and that was because I worked at the theatre in college.  And even then I usually didn't want to go to work.  When I'm working I want to be at home and when I'm at home I get bored and wish I had something to do.  What kind of messed up person am I?

So I suppose acting gives me something to do.  I don't have the passion or ambition to pursue any other 'great' career, not that what you do isn't great, but I want to be someone significant.  I'm not about to be the President, and I don't feel like working my way up the ladder to a business CEO and I hate sales, so that kills about half the other jobs out there.  The only thing I have really considered other than acting is being a professional organizer.  I love to organize people's stuff.  If you have a cluttered desk or room, let me at it!  I'm good at it too.  Weird.  So maybe someday this blog will turn into me promoting my organizing career.  Crazy.  You never know.  But I'm too good of an actress to give up now.  There's always time to change my mind later.  And right now I've had my sights set on Hollywood for so long it's hard to believe that there is another option.
Is that my crazy ambition talking?  Am I the only person who has set their goals so crazy high?  The truth is, I know that I can do it.  I am 100% sure that I can be a famous actress, that I can comfortably support myself with my acting and that people know me for my talents onscreen and onstage.  Right now the biggest factor in stopping me from jumping headfirst into this crazyness is the money situation.  Seems like that is a big problem for a lot of people.  And so many times I feel crippled by it, but I am doing the best I can to pay those stupid loans off.  Where do you draw the line though?  In order to pay off loans I need a full time job.  In order to advance my career I need to audition and be in movies, even if the roles don't pay.  But you can't be galavanting off to auditions when you're stuck in a 9 to 5.  So that is my dilemma.  But I'm not going to let it bring me down.  I will find a way around this.  That is what ambition is all about.
There are always going to be obstacles in your way no matter what you want to do.  The way that you treat them is going to define whether you make it or not.  Luckily, I have a huge support group because sometimes I am my own worst enemy.  But other times, like today, I feel like saying "fuck it, I can handle those" because WHAT ELSE ARE YOU GOING TO DO?  I WANT to be an actress.  I am MOVING to L.A.  In order to do these things I have to face my huge issues and say "you're not going to stop me."  If I let them then I'm just going to be stuck here forever, sad that I never tried.  You might as well work super hard and fail then just give up.
I hope when I'm feeling down I remember to come back to this.
What is the point of giving up?  There isn't one.  You will just be more miserable giving up than you feel right now thinking of the hard times you had at one point.  If you are being a big baby and whining about how hard it is SUCK IT UP.  Isn't it better to suffer trying to achieve something great than to give up and suffer for the rest of your life because you're stuck doing something that means nothing to you?
SUCK IT UP.
You can doooooooooo it!!!
Nobody said it was easy, they just said it would be worth it.

God I love when I feel like this.  These are the emotions you have to hang on to because sometimes it doesn't feel this easy.  And that is just something I have to deal with, I mean I am an actress after all, my emotions are crazyyyyyy!  Ask my boyfriend, he'll tell you.  That poor kid.

KEEP YO CHIN UP FOOL!

Also, if you ever need inspiration, start a kick ass sport like karate.  Karate rocks my face off and I feel super bad ass whenever I go to class.  I can't wait til I can really kick some booty!!!  Maybe I'll be a martial arts superstar in a movie someday, that would be AWESOME!

:)

Gosh I posted this and then realized I didn't even say how awesome I have been doing yesterday and today, I've been making that money, I FINISHED my first draft of Wonderland, I have called about two jobs, I rocked my karate session, I auditioned, AND I GOT THE PART SNITCHES!!!!!
So yah, I've been kicking ass and taking names.  It's all because I make lists.  You should try it.
Also, people have been checking out the bagpipes.  They are done being for sale in 5 days I'm hoping someone buys them because that is $1,200 in my pocket and that would be awesome toward my goal of paying off that bitch loan of $1,751.00!!!  I'm going to do it!!!  HECK YAHHHHHHHHH CAN YOU FEEL THE INSPIRATION!!!!!!!!
You love it.