I've Got It All Figured Out?

Hello!!!!!
Do I have so much to tell you!  Thank you to everyone who has been asking where I've been, great to know that people are reading :) Love you guys!
There are many reasons why I have taken so long to post, I've been dealing with some crap and it was just easier not to write.  Also, the longer I waited the scarier it got because I knew it would take me forever to get this post up!  But today is the day and I'm going to tackle this monster and let you all know what has been up in the Life of Laura for the past month.

Week One... The beginning of December.
We left off at Thanksgiving, and me on the verge of a new move.  On Tuesday I took a giant suitcase and backpack full of stuff to my new apartment in Queens.  This was an experience.  As I took it through the subway I realized that I would have to drag the beast suitcase down and up the stairs four times, because I had to switch trains.  I got through it by thinking "just move one step at a time and DON'T BE GRUMPY" and this seemed to help.  My positive thinking brought me a friendly helping hand from a man I met who helped me carry the suitcase down one of the flights of stairs (although getting it down was the easy part... up is the hard part.  But I was thankful) and we chatted, he was a high school teacher and artist.  When I got to my new place I dumped my stuff, half went in Doug (my roommates) room and half went in the coat closet.  Then I sat down on the couch and got stuck watching "Catch Me If You Can" for 1/2 an hour... whoops!  That's my biggest challenge here, not getting stuck watching TV.  Although it helps when Ahmed (my other roommate) watches en espanol.  Or watches soccer.  Because both of those do not interest me.

Most of the week I spent working, and chatting with my customers.  I met an old man who used to work as a security guard and talked to me for two hours, and left me a (fake) $500 bill.  The strange things I receive at my job are endless.  I also had our printer telling me all night that he was going to buy me diamonds.  Now that can happen anytime!
Friday Sarah had her final dress fitting, and she looked amazing.  Then, we went home and it was MOVING DAY!  Big, big shoutout to Sarah and Jordan who were dolls and helped me move!  I packed everything into bags and some suitcases and when I saw it all I said "eff it" and called a car service to take us back to Queens.  Sometime during the packing I found out that one of my old roommates (not Sarah...) had drank 2 of my beers and that caused a little fight.  Good thing I was leaving!  But seriously, even if I owe you money that doesn't make it okay to eat/drink any of my food.  Not cool man.
The thing was, I had absolutely no furniture in my room at ALL.  So unpacking ended up looking like this...

Home Sweet Home?

Whoops.  That is another one of the reasons it has taken me so long to write... I was digging myself out of the mess.  OMG I LOOK LIKE A HOARDER!  Awesome.
After Sarah and Jordan and I had unloaded, Sarah and I went to Target to get some things.  I bought a new comforter which is SO DELICIOUSLY CUTE (pictures to come) and we also saw some to die for owl bathroom stuff, and a girl getting choked out by a security guard.  Only in NYC.  Afterwards, for the first time, we went to our separate apartments and it was SO SAD!  Boo.  I miss living with Sarah already.
Now, of course I went home, looked at that mess, and instantly packed a bag and headed to Jordan's, where I spent Friday and Saturday night.  I even have a toothbrush at their place now.  We spent the weekend going out, sleeping, eating, and just avoiding life in general.

The reason I say this, is because at this point I was dealing with some personal stuff and it was pretty hard.  Going out with Jordan was a fun way to get my mind off everything, but eventually I had to deal.
Although generally have a pretty positive outlook on life, many people don't know that I have been struggling a lot for about a year now, with feeling lost and wondering what to do with my life.  Up until college you have everything figured out for you and then you're just expected to take the next steps yourself.  That first summer after graduation I was working a lot on film and things were going well, and sometime around November I lost my motivation and I've been working to get it back.  One thing I want to say is, it is OKAY to ask for help, and I would know because going to therapy for awhile was a big decision I made in my life, and it was a good one.  Sometimes you need to talk to a professional about everything, and that is not a bad thing.
Recently, I have been forced to really evaluate what I want to do, and while I still deal with self doubt, I'm going to continue to pursue my acting career because it is something I am passionate about.
The bad thing is, my underlying negative attitude has caused me to lose important people in my life, and this was brought into focus to me the week after Thanksgiving.  I was blatantly told by a very close friend that "you get what you give" and I was bringing a lot of my misery on myself.
Through this whole experience, and especially this past few weeks, I have really realized who my true friends are.  I have some amazing people in my life and these are the people who love you no matter what.  These are the people who listen to all my shit and all my complaining and they stick around.  They know that there is good and there is bad and they are still by my side, they say all they want is for me to be happy and they love me.  I am not taking it for granted anymore and I realize that I am the only person that can make myself happy and every day I am working on my positive feelings.  So here's a thank you to all of those people, especially the girls who have listened to me the past few weeks (you know who you are, I love you).

That brings us to Week Two... cutting off...
Now, that being said, after the weekend I realized that I haven't been a very good friend to a lot of people lately, and also that I just wasn't in the position to support anyone else, because I was still figuring myself out.
This, along with the fact that I spent wayyyy too much time on it, and wanting to avoid seeing information about certain people led me to turn off my Facebook on Sunday.  And wouldn't you know, I ended up with this...

Blankets on the floor... hobo style

It is amazing what I have gotten done without Facebook to distract me.  My room looks even better (more to come later in the post) I mean, that gross rug is gone!  And I have been writing a LOT more.  My notebook has filled with some amazing stuff, and "Wonderland" (the children's play I am writing, adapted from Alice and Wonderland) has evolved wonderfully as well.  All the crap that I have been feeling translates really well to paper, in the form of poems, song lyrics, and stories, and with a few of my connections I'm hoping to either write a song or write a play and put all the emotion into my art.  The good thing about pain and heartache is that it makes me a much better writer and artist.
I am still somewhat connected, using Twitter a lot because you can only spend so much time on Twitter!  Haha.
I spend the rest of the week cut off from the world, turning off my phone, spending my time unpacking, writing, applying for auditions, and working.  Until Thursday night when the weekend started and Sarah came to my work to hang out.  We sat at the bar and the bartender made us drinks (free, the best kind) and we got some french fries.  I forget how much fun it is to chill at work, when you can get lots of yummy food and drinks whenever you want.  We helped out by folding napkins for the waiters and then were on our way home when we started talking to some guys and went out for a drink.  The best part about going out with SayJ is that she's always like "I'm engaged" and I'm like MORE FOR ME!  Haha I don't really say that... or do I?  Anyway, our new friends were Derek and Larry, and Larry is a security guard so he has met millions of celebrities (he kindly showed us all the pictures) and then we decided it was KARAOKE TIME!  Oh yah I love me some karaoke.
We went to a Korean karaoke bar where you get your own room and they bring you snacks (cheese balls wtf lol) and drinks and you have microphones and you just sing along to any song you want.  It was a BLAST.  We sang all night and I didn't get home until 5am.  On the way home I was writing on the train... I'm such a New Yorker haha.
I slept most of the day Friday and then headed to Jordan's to get ready for Santacon the next day.  We were just going to have a chill night and go to bed, but of course we ended up going to Cipriani's for dinner with Jose... and then we went to meet up with my love Zack (and his friends) who were visiting from Syracuse.
This is a great story.  Our cab driver wasn't paying attention and almost took Jordan and I all the way uptown, but I caught it and we ended up being a little past where we wanted to go so we had to walk back.  On the way, some random dudes were like "heyyy ladies, do you need an escort?" and we were like, sure why not.  They asked us where we were headed and we told them the Ace bar (where Zack and co. where), and lo and behold they were heading to the same bar!  After about five steps I realized that one of them looked familiar and I was like "do you know Zack Zollars?"  IT WAS HIS FRIENDS!  What are the odds?! For some reason they were like, blocks away from the bar and just happened to meet up with us as we were both heading there.  Crazy.
Jordan and I called it an early night (2 am haha) because Saturday was... SANTACON.

"Santacon is a non-denominational, non-commercial, non-political and non-sensical Santa Claus convention that occurs once a year for absolutely no reason." -Taken from the NYC Santacon Website.

Basically, Santacon is a "holiday" where people from all over the world (not just NYC) get dressed up as Santa (or various forms of Santa/holiday attire) and get DRUNK.  Also, they collect toys and food for charity.  But that takes just a second, in between all the drunkenness.
And it was amazing.
I don't even know how to describe it but I will post some pictures and videos for you... maybe you will get half of the effect of Santacon.  Basically, you check the Twitter and they Tweet where to meet up, then every few hours the location moves, so we went from downtown to city park to the subway, then the official Santacon when to Grand Central Station while we stayed in the East Village.  Thousands of Santas all over the city, it was SO FUN and you should come next year!

Jordan and I so cute at the start of our day

My beard is SEXY

Deadmau5 Santa complete with beard

Santa on the move

Santa in the subway!

Friends

Santa cuties!

I took two videos for you guys cause I wanted to try and capture some of the experience... it was so crazy.  Jordan and I started at about 2pm and we were out until 8.  We came back and napped and then Zack and co. got into the city so I got up again and went out.  By 10 most of the Santa party had filtered out, although you still saw at least one in every bar.  I was one of the last ones standing... go me!  I partied for a full 12 hours.

Late night Santa tree climb.  This is the
only time the red sweatpants will
EVER see NYC.

Then it was time for BED.

Week three... it can only go up from here...

Sunday, after sleeping all day I headed to work which was boooring.  Not much happens on a Sunday night.  So I spent two hours doing what I do best, decluttering.  My job centers around the hostess stand and the coat closet, both of which were stuffed with CRAP.  It makes my job harder because I can't fit coats/bags into the closet (which is how I make tips) and cause I can never find anything.  So I went through it with my manager and threw away 2 large garbage bags full of junk.  I also ended up with 3 brand new cds (Mike Posner, Pink, Santana) 5 new scarves (wash them and BAM fashionable) nail polish, $12, and a nice portfolio carrier for my headshots and resumes.  Pretty good haul.

Afterward I headed out to Cipriani's for dinner and karaoke, even though I'm trying to cut down on my drinking and partying (not what I came to NYC to do) and after awhile I just realized that it wasn't my scene (no Jordan that night) and I headed out.  I knew that getting better and focusing on my acting and my happiness was more important to me than drinking, and I've turned down all the parties since.

Monday I slept and then I went to work.  It was another slow night, but my regulars Fred and Gene came in and had dinner.  They insisted that I sit with them so for about an hour and a half of my shift I just sat down and had dinner.  It was kinda weird being waited on by my coworkers, but I had been super bored and the food was delicious, and they insisted that I could have whatever I wanted!  Awesome.

Then Ashley came to visit me and we stayed up way too late talking.  It was nice to catch up :)  Tuesday morning I had to work, then Ashley and I attempted to find some cookie dough to make cookies for book club that night.  We were going to the monthly Chi Omega book club and that night they were having a Christmas cookie exchange.  We didn't have any luck so we headed home and got ready.

Now, our book club meets at the same place every month and this was the first one I was able to attend so I didn't really know what to expect.  But WOW

This lady lives on Park Avenue.  If you know anything about NYC you know that this is a very rich area.  We stepped into their home and I was breathtaken.  It was a two story apt complete with a twisting staircase, library, and amazing view.  Our host was like "oh yes from the 2nd story you can see the Chrysler building."  So nonchalant.  UM HELLO?!?!?!  THE CHRYSLER BUILDING?!?!

Ashley looked in the living room and was like "um I'm pretty sure I studied that painting in art history class."  We were in a home that had paintings that could pay our student loan debt 4 times over.  Nuts.  I was expecting cheese and crackers and we had an entire catered table of hors d'oeuvres made by their housekeeper/maid, complete with grilled shrimp and fresh fruit.  Needless to say, I couldn't believe it.  But all the women were fabulous of course, and even though we didn't read the book we had a great time.
By the middle of the week I was exhausted.  My work schedule had been all over the place, doing morning shifts and night shifts really messes with my head.  I was in a pretty bad place that was amplified by my exhaustion (I figured later that I worked 6 days in a row, with one day off, then 6 more days in a row, yuck!)  and the fact that I didn't have a bed and was still sleeping on the couch in a public room in the house didn't help.  Having no room and then having a room with no bed for 2 1/2 months had not been easy on me and I just wanted to be alone.  After I worked I went home and SLEPT, ordered pizza, watched TV, and was sad for a day.  I let myself bask in the feelings, and be emo, and not talk to anyone for the day.  And all my friends were so helpful and supportive... and I just slept.
Thursday I woke up and that was it.  I was done with the sad, and done with the questioning, and from now on I am focusing on today and positivity and looking ahead.  And... I GOT MY BED.

LOOK AT MY COMFORTER!
Yes, Eeyore has a Santa hat on.

I found this behind my closet door, apparently no one has closed
it for months, haha.  There was a dinosaur in there.

What an amazing, amazing, amazing feeling.  The guy from the car service didn't complain at all and then he helped me carry the whole bed upstairs!  Good tip for him.  I cleaned, vacuumed, set up the bed, and was SO HAPPY!  The bed has done wonders in my life, you don't realize how important something like a bed is until you don't have one for months.  THANK YOU SARAH!
That night, Sarah, her brother Phil, and his friend Spencer all crashed at my place, because we were moving Sarah out the next day.  We ate Chinese food, pizza, cookies and watched "How to Make it in America" WHICH HBO CANCELLED AND I'M SUPER PISSED ABOUT THAT!!!!!!!!!!  Boo.
Then Sarah and I tried to sleep.... ha that never happens, whenever we're in the same room we always stay up too late talking, just like in college.  We're like "okay.. .time to sleep.. for real.. ONE MORE THING!" Haha.
We got up at the crack of dawn, well earlier than that actually, the sun wasn't even up yet, and headed to Brooklyn with the van Sarah got to pack everything up.  It only took us about 45 minutes to load everything up and then I said goodbye :( so sad!  Although I did end up with two bags of stuff (trashcan, bowls, soup, hangers) for my apartment so that was exciting.  I looked like a crazy bag lady on the subway home with my 6am hair, no makeup, basketball shorts, leather jacket and bags of junk.
I spent the rest of the weekend SLEEPING.  I decided to be happy I needed a real schedule and no more partying all night.  I was awake for 9 hours total on Saturday lol... woke up at 1pm and went to bed at 10pm.  In between my hours of sleep I got Christmas presents, sent out Christmas cards, watched a lot of How I Met Your Mother, and just laid around.  It was wondrous.
That brings us toooooooo...

Week Four: PRESENT DAY.
This week.  Sunday I cleaned and worked, but most importantly, I started working out again.
Monday I went to the Post Office (never again) it was NUTS! And then I went grocery shopping for the first time which was AMAZING because I found a REAL SUPERMARKET AHHHH!  This is such a big deal because there is no Meijer or Walmart here, there are only Trader Joe's/Whole Foods which have expensive organic food that I don't recognize or there are bodegas which have Oreos for $5.  I found a Met food that has brands I know, lots of variety, good prices, and it's close.  Buying food was so exciting.  Also, I love that I'm 23 and now I can just buy candy whenever I want... will that ever stop feeling cool?  Remember when your parents wouldn't let you buy candy from the 25 cent machine?  Why is that something that excites me now?  Haha.
I also have been making a lot of New Years Eve plans, and am excited for Amber, Tay, Andy, Vince and Zack to come visit!  It's going to be a great time!
Yesterday, I woke up and went to an audition, which was super fun.  I need to start going on a lot of those again and it just reminded me why I'm here in the first place.  I came back and did laundry which was quite the adventure.
Picture this: I haven't done laundry in about a month, and this is the first time I'm doing it here in Queens.  I walk the fiveish blocks with my giant Ikea bag full of clothes to the laundromat.  Load my shit.  Get out my bag of $10 of quarters.  There is no coin slot.  You have to put your money onto a little "debit" card specially made for the washers/dryers.  Okay, nbd, except THE MACHINE DOESN'T TAKE QUARTERS!  Only bills.  I have $5, which is what you need to get a card... except they take $2 as a deposit.  So now I'm stuck with $3 (only enough for one wash load) and $10 of quarters... I had to go to the ATM and the whole time I was thinking THINK POSITIVE DON'T COMPLAIN haha.  I eventually figured it out and my clothes are clean and in the closet but, wtf kind of laundromat doesn't take quarters?  Seriously.

After doing laundry and feeling so proud of myself for being such a real person, I went to work where I found out I'm going to be trained as a cocktail waitress soon.  This could be good or bad, its a lot of work but hopefully it will mean more money.  We will see.
So there you go!  I'm caught up on sleep, I'm caught up on this blog, and I've been writing for like 2 hours, so I hope you guys enjoy it.

New York City, I love you.  I wish my family was here though.  To experience days like the other day when I got on the subway and saw a guy looking at a camera that it was fairy clear he had just stolen.  And while I was watching him a woman sat down next to me and she looked perfectly normal, an older woman, but then every 30 seconds she would just CRACK UP laughing.  Then she would stop.  Then she would CRACK UP again, shake her head, and stop.  Weirdest thing ever.

So here's my advice for you on getting yourself out of a bad mood, as read by Rhonda Byrne in "The Power."   When you have bad feelings think of them as wild horses.  So there's an angry horse, a grumpy horse, an irritable horse, and so on.  When you feel a bad feeling say to yourself "why did I get on the grumpy horse?"  And picture it.  It will make you realize that YOU are the one getting on the horse and YOU can get off it again.  Also, when someone else is grumpy/irritable/sad to you, picture them on the horse and usually it will make you laugh.  It is a great way to not take those feelings so seriously and to laugh your way out of a bad mood.  I did this yesterday when one of our waiters was harsh to me and OMG it was hilarious to picture this guy on a wild horse.  Try it!